I THINK YOU MISUNDERSTOOD THE PRESIDENT

He didn't say anything about "carpet tacks". He said "CARBON TAX".

BAD BOMB

The Nigerian Christmas bomber took some powerful explosives onto an airplane, and couldn't light a match to blow up the plane. Michael Moore could have farted and done better than that.

FREE CAR INSURANCE

I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by fleeing the scene of an accident.
But here's how to get your car insurance for free: First, switch to 21st Century and save $434 per year. Then switch immediately to Allstate. This will save you $382 per year. Then switch right away to AmFam to save $265 more per year. By this time, your insurance will be free. If you actually want to make money by owning car insurance, switch again to Geico for an additional 15% savings. It works for me.

ROMAN NUMERALS

The system of Roman Numerals is long overdue for revision. I'm working on it.

FESTIVUS

The celebration of Festivus begins with The Airing of Grievances. I'll go first.

1. I'm angry at G. Gordon Liddy. Not because of the Watergate thing. I'm over that. Because I find his commercials for Rosland Capital intimidating, and I always end up buying more gold every time I see him on TV. His commercials should be
preceded by this warning: "The following message contains material that is
coercive and is intended only for wealthy viewers who are not easily hypnotized."

2. Minimalism is underrated and under-funded.

3. Tomatoes and bananas don't taste as good as they used to. In fact, nowadays they taste alike to me. Their color is the only thing that keeps tomatoes off my Cheerios, and bananas out of the bacon sandwiches, but I don't suppose it would matter, anyway. I think I'll switch up, just to see.

4. "Doonesbury" isn't funny anymore. I never could keep the characters straight. Which one is Doonesbury?

5. I wear extra-medium t-shirts, and I can never find my size.

CLICK ON THE COMMENTS BUTTON TO AIR YOUR OWN GRIEVANCES! HAPPY FESTIVUS!

IDENTITY THEFT

Of all the possible ills that could befall you, this is truly the most unlikely. I don't care if all those companies which are selling insurance against this event say that an identity is stolen every three seconds, it can't be true. At that rate, we'd all be somebody else by now.
Identity theft has replaced "imitation" as the highest form of flattery.
But what if it were true that this crime is an epidemic? You, dear reader, would be immune. Because, really, who would want to be you? Face it, you are safe from identity theft. Don't flatter yourself.

RIDDLE ME THIS

Here is a crackin'-'em-up riddle that is circulating in Moscow among the members of the Politburo of the former Soviet Union:

Q: Why did the American throw his alarm clock out the window?
A: Because it was a constant reminder of the fast-approaching doom of capitalist imperialism.

INVESTING IN CD'S

Many investors have had poor results from investing in equities over the past decade, and wish that they had simply invested in CD's instead. CD's offer less risk than equities, and they are readily available. You can compare rates easily, and you can get them down the street, or online.
There are other reasons to invest in compact discs as well. Music will offer you pleasure forever, and in this sense, their value will never decline. (Unless you expose them to sunlight for prolonged periods, or attempt to clean them with Brillo Pads.) And they make great, inexpensive gifts. You can copy them innumerable times for everyone on your Christmas list!
So don't neglect CD's for investment and gift purposes. Burn 'em, baby, burn 'em!